For 400 years, Yu Putuan remains
the best of the top 3 banned books
with its depictions of carnal desires
There lived a monk in the Yuan Dynasty
who always carried a sack
Known as the Sack Monk
he was well versed in Buddhist sutra
A scholar nicknamed Wei Yang Sheng
Was licentious by nature
He considered celibacy unnatural
When he consulted the Sack Monk
They got into a heated argument
and parted on a sour note
Sir
Consider your current life
If you screw someone's wife or daughter
Someone will screw yours
You'll get instant retribution
I thought with your eminence
You must be very insightful
I'm disappointed with such triteness
If there's retribution for carnal intercourse
What if I have no wife or daughter?
Where does retribution come in?
How about a man with few womenfolk
who screws many women
Even if his kin were screwed
He'd still come out ahead!
The groom kowtows to his father-in-law
The groom offers tea
We must tease the bride
Yes! We must!
Let's have a toast for the bride
You must drink up!
Drink up!
We're leaving!
Get out!
Do you know my nickname
is Mister Iron Gate?
Because I'm strict with my family
I clamp down hard on them like a gate
I let you be my son-in-law, because of your learning
Whether you travel or be an official
You have nothing to worry about
This is precisely the reason
With you watching his wife
he won't get retribution!
Sex is the most pleasurable thing
It'll hurt the first time
But I'll be gentle
You'll learn to enjoy it
Sex is the most shameful thing
Since it is stipulated by etiquette
I will perform my duty
But I know it'll hurt
please hurry and spare me the agony!
This is anaesthetic
Put some on for me to ease the pain
This is pain killer
Give me some afterwards
I'm ready!
Hurry! What are you doing?
Don't rush me! I'm not ready!
Why not? Just stick it inside!
Alright, as you wish...
It hurts!
Why did you kick me?
Give me the pain killer, hurry!
I'm not done yet!
I've done my part
I don't care if you're not finished!
But you're not even bleeding!
Says who? There's blood everywhere!
Why is there so much blood?
There's blood on my ring!
You must have cut your dick with it!
I'm going to pass out...
My pain killer
Give me the pain killer
I told you this is filthy
This is a genuine Zhao Meng Fu!
Read it after fasting and ablution
This is disgusting!
It's passed down from our forefathers
depicting the process of copulation
it's no big deal!
Don't...
Quit the act...
You used to hate sex
Last night you wouldn't let go of me!
I want...
You're so naughty!
Don't laugh at me!
No!
Wonderful!
You're the famous cat burglar Sai Kunlun?
Pardon me...
I'm an honorable man
I pick my targets carefully
Not the poor
Not those holding a funeral
Not those hosting a banquet
Not those I've stolen from before
No one I know
Strangers want to get to know me
Or fawn upon me
it's hard to find a target these days
Now we've become like old friends
I don't mind telling you the truth
I'm supposed to pursue my studies
But I'm actually courting women
Since you can break into anyone's house
You can help me find my prey
Damn! I'm late! Bye!
I really want to come with you!
He's weird!
Did he pick your pocket?
It's here!
Is it empty?
No, but he left me stones!
I found your target!
Big enough tits for you?
Yes! Keep up the good work!
Miss...
Are you alright?
Miss...did you drop this?
- No! - Take another look!
Shame on you!
Here's your money and 10% interest
Master Sai...
With your ability
you can help me with women
Help me break into their chambers
If you help make my wish come true
I'm willing to pay you generously
It's risky to seduce someone's wife
You may succeed initially
But you'll eventually get dumped
With my looks and talents?
If you really want me to help you
tell me how big is your dick?
About this...
When you screw a woman
can you last half a joss stick?
No problem!
With aphrodisiac, I can last longer!
There's a silk shop in the west end
The owner's wife is your cup of tea
Go take a look!
Just to look?
- Maybe there's action! - Great!
What was that noise?
I tripped and fell down!
Did you rip the fabric?
No!
No?
No!
- Eat! - Sure!
Why is there no fish tonight?
There's none in the market!
Not one fish in the entire market?
No! Just not the kind you like!
Speak clearly!
Listen carefully before you answer me!
Did you rip the fabric when you fell?
Yes!
Then you deserve a beating!
I never said I won't do it!
I just want to eat first!
Are you done?
Yes, thanks!
Get over here!
Come here!
Hurry!
What are you doing?
Let you broaden your horizon!
Her husband can last 3 joss sticks!
But you can only last half a joss stick
Look how big his dick is!
You may brag all you want
But yours is tiny
it's best used as a tooth pick!
This is for over estimating your ability
in seducing someone else's wife!
This is for your stupidity
I'm not a lecher
Yet you want me help you
Do you think I'm a pimp?
You're right about slapping me
But I still need your help!
You have character!
Unless your dick is long like a horse's
Master Sai...
We've been apart for a month
I feel lonely and sad
I miss your hugs, kisses, screws
My vagina feels itchy like bugs bite
Do you know how this letter is written?
It is written with ink
mixed with my secretion
Get me a knife!
Why am I plagued with such a small dick?
How I crave for a few more inches!
You gave me looks and talents
But you screwed me on the vital part!
Damn! I'll cut you off!
No, master! Don't!
- Go away! - Don't
Blood! My God!
Did it come off?
Not quite, why?
Why what?
Why is yours bigger than mine?
Vvhy?
I don't know! Ask my mom!
- No, Master! - I'm asking you why?
What's gong on?
See for yourself!
Closed! Doctor Ye on vacation
I'm dead!
Specialized in broken limbs
Tian Can Zi is open for business
I'm looking for Tian Can Zi
- Please tell me... - Say no more!
The wound is caused by a blunt knife
about 2 joss sticks' time ago!
You out the vein, not the arteries
I can cure you now
You'll recover in 15 days, 20 taels in advance
You have incredible skills
It's such an eye opener
Coaptation is my family trade for 7 generations
Until my father
with a stroke of luck
found part of Hua Tuo's manual
and learnt about surgery
I've studied my father's work
and branched out into transplants
especially for sexual organs
Transplanting an animal organ to human
And make them man enough
I'll be rich and famous
Have you succeeded?
I have mastered the basic techniques
- Please give me a dog's dick! - All right!
Quiet!
I don't mean you!
Yours is too small, I won't use it!
What about an elephant?
That's too big!
It'll be like having 3 legs!
How about a horse?
Sai Kunlun promised to help
if my dick is long like a horse's!
Get me a horse's dick!
A scholar should not talk like that
Pardon me!
You must hurry if you need a transplant
I'll be leaving in a few days
By then, it'll be too late!
Burn some joss sticks!
May Master Hua Tuo watch over us
Bless us with a successful operation!
Please undress!
It better not rain tonight
We'll start around 3 a.m.
Why wait till then?
All sexual organs, human or beast
are most excitable before dawn!
If we operate at this hour
we'll get the best result!
Horses get excited when they see red
Here we go!
This is the anaesthetic
After you drink it
You'll feel nothing below the waist
Give the wine to the horse!
I said give this to the horse!
Why wine and not anaesthetic?
Anaesthetics have no effect on horses
We'll intoxicate it with wine!
Leave the last gulp!
What is this?
I learnt this from foreign books
it's called a guillotine
I made a small one for this operation
Quite an investment. Let me show you!
Not bad?
It shrunk!
Don't be scared!
I'm not!
I just saw a rat!
I'm afraid of rats!
- I'm afraid of the rain! - Why
On a rainy night when I was little
I saw with my own eyes
my mom raped and killed
Since then, on rainy nights
Especially with thunder and lightning
I'll get extremely emotional...
Doctor...
it'll be dawn soon
Hold this, kid!
Put the bottle over there
We start before the first joss stick burns out
Or else it'll be useless
What about the second one?
We must wrap up before, the second one goes out
Why the long face?
Cheer up! Relax!
I'm as relaxed as I possibly can
Good! Let's do it!
I've out it off
and stopped the bleeding
- Is it done? - Yes! Does it hurt
No!
You're useless, kid!
Get up, you coward!
What is it?
Nothing!
What's going on?
Just continue!
He's still sober after the whole jug!
He can certainly hold his liquor!
Damn! We're running out of time!
The horse is sober
Let's do this instead
I'll put yours back
And do it again later?
No!
It's a one-off deal!
I won't let you!
I told you we don't have time!
You may die from the inflammation!
Doggie, don't take that!
Doggie!
Give me back my dick!
Don't!
Give that back to me!
No! Give it back...
Well? Did you get it?
I got it back
But this is all that's left!
I have no choice
We'll use the kid's dick!
What about me?
Be a eunuch, what else?
Forget it! I have human rights too!
You're sold as a page boy
You have no rights
Human rights mean only food and clothes
Not the right to keep your dick!
- No! - Take it out!
- No! - Come back here!
No! I only have a small one
Just the same
Hurry and fetch the basin!
Ready...
Doctor...
What now?
Get up!
Get to work, kid!
Let me help you!
- Damn! - What now?
Why can't I move?
I broke the jar of anaesthetic
and poured it all over you!
Fetch me that bottle of licorice root
Bring the basin as well!
Pour it on my hands!
Well?
Nothing!
Can't move!
That's trouble!
Can't move!
How long does it take?
At least half a joss stick's time
The joss stick is burning out!
No! I'm doomed!
Destiny!
You can move!
Master, he can move!
Stop! Don't strangle him!
Let go!
What kind of wine is this? Taste good!
The rain has stopped! Get back to work!
No sex in the next 100 days
or else you'll be impotent!
Buddy!
You sent for me
and challenged me to a duel
Here I am
I'll lend you my blade. Come on!
That's just an excuse to lure you here
I wish to repay your kindness!
Are you being sarcastic?
No! You're a man of your word
That's right!
When you lectured me
what was the last thing you said?
I'll give you a good beating
No!
Any tips?
Something to do with horses!
- Horse racing? - No!
Horse's dick! You have one?
Boy! Sound the gong!
Damn! You can't fool me with that rod!
It looks like a horse's dick
But that can't be real!
It's real!
There's a scar at the base
It also has a different skin color
How did you do it?
You have a discerning eye
This is a genuine horse dick
I met a surgeon who transplanted it!
You have guts, my friend!
I admire you...
Get it up! Show me!
No problem!
Give him a hand, kid!
Use your mouth!
You went through hell for this?
You're finished, pal!
I wish I can help!
It's useless!
Save your breath, kid!
Before it rots
you better cut if off!
Or else the poison will go to your heart
I can help you with that!
- Come on! - Wait...
Keep waving the blade
Are you kidding?
I feel something! Go on!
You get excited from waving the blade?
Yes!
Let's try...
Yes!
Go on!
Keep going! Don't stop!
My master never told me
this secret about the blade!
Can I help you?
I want white silk
Do you have any?
Yes! Have a seat!
This is not white enough
We have the whitest silk
I see! Compared to your hands
the silk is yellow!
Everything is a matter of matching
With your stunning beauty
In my opinion
You should marry someone with
my good looks and talents
If you marry a brute
who beats you and lets you go hungry
And makes you do strenuous work
until your fingers bleed
that would be like...
A flower on a pile of cow dung
Just like your vulgar husband
You bastard!
I'll kill you!
I'm come see you again!
Come back!
Damn it! Are you blind?
You stepped on my foot!
Do you own the street?
Sorry! it's my fault!
I didn't see you! Sorry!
Get lost!
It hurts!
I'll be gone for 10 days
If I find you with another man, I'll wring your head off!
I don't trust her
Come in
You have left an indelible impression
"l feel bad about your beating by that vulgar man"
I'm sending you medicine
It is quite effective
I'll drop by at midnight tonight
with food and wine
We can bare our souls
and recite poetry
Yours sincerely...
Have pity on my Iovesickness
I'm a virtuous woman
I'm not that casual
I bear gifts for you
as well as food and wine
All I ask is a drink and a chat
No!I can%
I can't believe this is a coincidence!
See for yourself!
My husband has the key
This is my friend Sai Kunlun
He's a famous locksmith
This is delicious!
Put it down!
Go away!
You helped this lecher seduce my wife
and made me a cuckold!
I've become a laughing stock
I can't beat you
But have a heart!
I'll fight back if you corner me!
Now in front of my friends and relatives
We must resolve this
I don't want any trouble
Have him give me 100 taels of silver
I'll sell him my wife
And I'll leave here for good!
If you won't do this
You might as well kill me!
- Damn! - Spineless wretch!
I'm resuming my post in the capital
I won't have leave for at least 6 months
I don't mind if you serve the Emperor
You better not go whoring!
Is that what you think of me?
You contracted gonorrhea last time
and lied about it!
You played me for a fool!
I made this for you
Wear it if you go whoring
I'll kill you if you contract anything
This size doesn't fit!
This is tailor made for you
it'll fit your dick!
It's not that crooked!
I know you're bisexual
I really don't understand
How can your husband satisfy you?
Is his dick crooked?
Whip me!
What were you doing with the pen?
Painting!
You paint lying down?
What's this garbage?
It's secretion
I mean...it's ink and wash
Ink and wash?
What's so secretive?
Why close all the windows?
Pornographic painting!
This is outrageous!
What have I taught you?
You read this trash
while you write this filth?
Master!
Where have you been?
I brought Wang Qi to meet the mistress
Really?
Master
This is the young mistress
Hello!
Wang Qi is the new gardener
You're not allowed inside the chamber
Or I'll have you locked up!
Yes, sir!
- Get back to work! - Yes!
Kneel down!
Read Zhu Zhi's Four Books on discipline
Don't get up until you memorized it!
You!
You should have told me about her
Put out your hand!
The other one!
You'll have to kneel too!
Madam
What is it?
Your cousin is barging in
I'm unable to stop her!
Hide...
Over here!
Help me!
Take out the calligraphy and painting
Hurry...
You haven't visited me for a long time
Your husband is away, are you lonely?
Why are these on the bed?
I want to dry them under the sun
So the trunk is empty
There are stones inside
We agreed to stick together through thick and thin
Yes!
If you have something good
Should you share it with me?
Yes!
Did you come across a giant dick?
I don't know what you're talking about
He left last night
You're too late!
What kind of juice is this?
It's still warm
Wait on him
Where am I?
This room is connected to
Rui Zhu's room next door
Our mistress is Hua Chen
She's Rui Zhu's cousin
She became a widow after 2 years
There's a rumor going on
our master died from over indulgence
in sexual pleasures! That's not true!
As I know more about life
and my husband is on the road
My loneliness becomes unbearable
I had an affair with Wang Qi
And is now bearing his child
I'm ashamed to see you
So I must leave you
I'll pray to Heaven
And wish for your health and longevity
Your unfilial daughter, Yu Xiang
Have some tea
I hired a palanquin for you
So the trip won't be too difficult
Be careful, don't make it too bumpy!
What are you doing?
Help me! Wang Qi!
Wang Qi, help!
Where are you, Wang Qi?
Let me go!
Who are you? What are you doing?
I'm Gu Xian Niang
Your husband sold you to our brothel
Here's the contract
Don't! I'm pregnant!
Precisely because you're pregnant
The herbal tea you took
is to induce an abortion!
The massage
is to help you abort the baby!
No! Let me go! Help!
Your Majesty, the rebels are in pursuit
The tyrant Wei Yang Sheng
raped women
and massacred common people
By virtue of the mandate from Heaven
the tyrant is sentenced to
torture and rape until death
No! This is too crazy!
Tyrant!
You took a horse's dick
The mare will be reunited with its mate
No! Help!
You only focus on 2 points
and 4 positions
First, write with your vagina
regardless of the size of the words
they must appear to be written by hand
This will train your vagina
and your waist
Second, practice with your tongue
taste the gall
If you can tolerate the bitterness
YOU Can OVSFCOITIG
the odor from any body parts
During this process
your abdomen will contract
This is a good practice
When you accomplish all this
You can revive your patrons
Help them feel like a man again!
If you possess this unique skill
You'll be the top prostitute
Watch your step
I can see
I'm not blind
Be careful!
They want me to give you this!
My husband's sudden return
forces me to part with you
I miss you
I'm losing appetite and sleep
My husband tells me
There's a famous doctor
who can revive any man!
Cure your imperial dick
And when my husband leaves
We can copulate again
My cousin has prepared a surprise
Your lover, Rui Zhu
We'll visit the capital
Would you like to come?
I can't!
A constable by the name of Iron Hand
has come after me
I must stay and challenge him to a duel
What does the sign say?
Chamber of Revolving Heaven
Please come in, Master Cai
Please sit down!
Take your time!
Here comes the doctor!
This is Master Cai from Kaifeng
How are you?
We'll help you undress!
Let the doctor examine you!
He can't be my husband, he's too big!
Well? How am I?
You have a great gift
But your over indulgence
has resulted in kidney failure
I can cure you with medicine
You'll be well in no time
She sounds like my wife
This doesn't work!
You have something incredible
it's responding to my treatment
But not quite
If you wear a red scarf and try again
I guarantee it'll work
Red scarf?
This is a transplant
It used to be...
...tiny, right?
How do you know?
Just a wild guess!
It's you!
I knew when I grabbed your tits
In this world
Only my wife has a petite body
and tits the size of water melons
You bitch! I taught you the techniques
Now you're using them
as a prostitute!
Don't!
Come back!
Sir!
Come back!
- Sir! - Come out, bitch
No!
Come on out!
I'll strip you
Parade you through the streets in a cage
And bring shame to your moralist father
Who are you?
How dare you start trouble here?
The commander is my patron
She's my wife
I'll sue you for kidnapping
Move away!
Qiu Yan, don't worry!
Break in!
Qiu Yan...you silly girl!
Bring me a stool...let her down
She's dead...
You're in trouble!
I know my mistakes now, Master
I believe in retribution
I've done many evil deeds
I lost my hands in the duel
I must go in hiding
I know my mistakes
You have returned
Please let me stay here
You'll be tonsured and named Wanshi
Please take me in as well
Face the wall and meditate
Summon Kumeng
Have you made peace?
Whenever I close my eyes
I see Yu Xiang's baby
coming at me for revenge
Wanshi, turn around
Do you know each other?
Today you get retribution for yesterday's crimes
Tomorrow, you get retribution for today's crimes
Love and hate perpetuate retribution
Set aside your hatred, be your true self
Understand?